Hanging With the Champ

After a long day of driving to Amarillo, crying, getting Eleri ready for her 2 year pictures, organizing closets, taking lunch to Mali's school, organizing closets, crying, putting Eleri to sleep in Brie's bed, crying...maybe sobbing this time, organizing closets, hanging up endless amounts of clothes, playing Barbies, eating dinner, and organizing more clothes, it was time to make a visit to the hospital. Eric taught me how to scrub in, and I really have no idea how he has any skin left after 3 times a day of that! Typing up Curran's caringbridge journal every day is an honor, and I gladly do it, but I just needed to see him. I needed to see him breathing, moving, opening his eyes, eating, LIVING. When I saw him at 2 days old it was hard. Here was this miracle, this beautiful piece of my friend, but he was struggling. Your mind, just for a second, goes to a place you never want to go. I just gazed at all of him...his chest retracting inches down, his tiny fingers moving on his hands, his swollen eyes squinted closed...and I begged God for his life. For his perfect life. For a world-changing life. For a LONG life. Begged Him through my tears. Tomorrow...well, today if I don't hurry up...will be one month since Brie left and Curran arrived. He has made huge strides in that NICU. He has already changed tens of thousands of lives. He has changed mine. So seeing him there, filled out and squirming all over the place, was a gift! I have a passion for Brie's kids. I've always loved them so much, but now I want them to know and remember how much their mom loved and cherished them. Another one of Brie's friends,Carrie, also came Amarillo for a few days of loving on the girls and helping out, and she got to hold Curran skin-on-skin. She was Brie's best friend, and when she sent me the text telling me what she was able to do my heart nearly burst. She prayed over him and sang to him and spoke scriptures into his ears. Carrie is a woman of God. Carrie loved Brie so very much. Carrie was able to love on Curran when Brie couldn't, speaking God's truth to him like Brie would have. I'm so very proud of Carrie McCullough!! I feel like this is what we will be doing whenever God gives us chances to do so...just loving on them however we can. I was so excited to see Curran and to actually touch him and get to know him more. He just is so amazing! He was moving all around, he was hungry and rooting on his hand, he pulled out the nasal cannula many times, he ripped off his feeding tube tape, he sneezed again and again, he sucked on his pacifier while he got his feeding, he gazed at me, he moved his head when Eric would talk...amazing! I know all of these things seem so small to most of you, but for Curran these things are huge. He is growing and developing and doing what babies need to be doing. He still has a long road ahead. We do not think every day left in NICU will be a mountaintop. But he is thriving. He is living! I think I could have stayed all night long. I rubbed his soft reddish hair and talked to him and patted him and just loved on him for as long as I could. I'm so in love with this sweet boy. The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy. Curran the Champion...God will be honored and lifted up by his life. You have done great things, God.

Hillsong Live - Forever Reign

We have some amazing things in the works with Brie's blog. I guess working on this project has put me in a bubble. As I read her words I forget she is not sitting behind her computer writing more. I forget I can't text her and express my frustrations at something, or ask her to pray when my kids are sick or I don't know how to handle Makenna's anxiety. I just, for a moment, forget. Then I glance at her Christmas card or get a text from Eric, her husband, or receive my daily morning email from Tom, her dad, about sweet Curran...and it all comes back. When Beth sends me a text saying to call her, my heart drops. When a car decides to swerve a little into my lane, I panic. When I just want to hear my friend's voice, I cry. When I think about how much Mali and Eleri need her, I get angry. I just can't believe she is gone. Even seeing her there, knowing that was not Brie and that she was hanging out with Jesus Himself, still does not take all the unbelievableness out of this situation. I so badly want her children to know her, remember her voice, smell her smell, feel how she held them, learn from her little life lessons, hug their mommy. I want Curran to hear her say his name. I keep hearing her say Curry in my head from one of our last phone conversations. I never want to forget it. She always said, "Melissa, it's Brie" every time she called. I would always tell her I knew it was her because my phone said her name and showed her picture, and we would laugh, but I loved hearing her say that. I just can't believe we are doing all this without her. What on earth is God thinking? He is thinking that He's got this, and that I do not have to worry one bit. He's thinking that Brie is perfect in every way, exactly how we will be one day. The rest I can find out when I get there. Not that I will care anymore when I see His face. Not at all will this matter then. But here, now, it matters, and He knows exactly how much. He has poured out his grace and peace like tidal waves over all of us. Just like He says He will do. I trust Him. I just might cry a lot and add to the waves around us. He cried when he lost his friend, too, so I know it is ok. Hearing this song makes me weep, but somehow I can always sing parts of it. One day it will be all of it again. Just don't look at me too closely during worship. Mascara will be running down, and my face will be all red and puffy, but I will be trying to sing through the tears. Missing my friend and resting in peace from the God who she is hanging out with at this very second. I could not ask for more for her than that. So listen...and cry...but sing. Jesus is still, and will always be, worth singing to.

Christmas 2010

Christmas with Grandma and Grandad, who is recovering from a quad-bypass and doing so well!


Christmas Eve with Amundsons...after Mailey fell straight into the pew in front of us at the service and had a dent into her forehead. Oh my word.


Santa came! Tracen loved his drum set, and we love that Santa thought of headphones. Makenna loved her Julie doll and camera, especially having an American Girl doll with looooong hair. Mailey loved her zebra ride-on, but maybe the marshmallow Santa the best, as you can see her scarfing it in every picture.


Christmas Day with Mim, Pop, and Scott


Treasure Hunts...a Nanny tradition


Christmas at Granny and Grandaddy's


Bubba and Sarah New Year's Christmas


We have to get a zoo trip in while in Waco, even in the winter!


We had a great time visiting friends, seeing family, and celebrating Jesus being born. I am so grateful to spend time with the people we love. We were reminded of that even more this holiday. Hug your people. :)

A Week

A week ago I was...
celebrating the life of my sweet friend, Brie.

One week is all it has been. So much is different. So much has changed.

Brie was in a horrible accident on December 26th. One day after Christmas. One second and life as we know it changed forever.

I have had such a roller coaster of emotions since last Sunday night. Shock, unbelief, despair, hope, sobbing, realization, anger, resentment, sobbing, sorrow, awareness, sobbing, laughing, helping, organizing, bewilderment, longing, sobbing, joy, celebration...

I'm very aware that sobbing is a repetitive factor. I have cried buckets and bathtubs full for Brie. I have also cried a river for her family.

Knowing someone for so long...seeing them come to college, get on fire for Jesus, long to do His will, marry, sit on my couch endless days in discipleship, pray fervently, be scared to be a mommy, have a baby, live life together, help Makenna by being her first play therapist, move, have another baby, text, call, cry, email, blog, encourage, and love...changes you. If you have gone through these things with some girls, you love them deeply. You would do anything for them, and you adore their kids as your own. God instills in each of us a deep need for fellowship. First and foremost with Him, and then with the ones around you. Brie was my heart friend. She is one of the only people who completely understood me. When one of those people is taken from your life, it is like losing one of your biggest fans. She prayed for me and cried for me and counseled me and encouraged me and loved me. Friends like that definitely do change you.

Brie longed her whole life to be loved. Loved unconditionally and fully. She found that love in Jesus first, and of course special people in her life. She loved so much that it hurt her. She longed for everyone to know freedom in Christ. She waited patiently on the Lord to change things. She was on her knees for her babies...and for mine. No matter what the circumstance, Brie always returned to the one truth that stands above all others...her Jesus.

The day she died, I went to her blog. I wanted to see all her Disney pics and knew she had gotten them all up. So lying on the bed Sunday I started reading. Her post from that day made me squinch my eyebrows. See, Brie always explained everything. Every picture and life event was documented. But that day, all that she had put was the title of a song, and then the words of the song. No explaination, no documentation, nothing. I even thought about texting Beth to see if she had read it. It was so not like her to just post with no other words or pictures. How I wish so badly now that I would have just called her and asked her what it was all about. Look at the words:
You are good, you are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, you are love
On display for all to see
You are light, you are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, you are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, you are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, you are true
Even in my wondering
You are joy, you are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, you are life
In you death has lost its sting

Chorus:
Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, you are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, you are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, you are here
In your prescence I'm made whole
You are God, you are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Chorus:
Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing comares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Chorus:
I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing no other name
Jesus, Jesus
My heart will sing no other name
Jesus, Jesus
My heart will sing no other name
Jesus, Jesus
My heart will sing no other name
Jesus, Jesus

Chorus:
Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Chorus:
I'm running to your arms
I'm running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

I hope you read all of them. Running is exactly what she did that very night. Ran into the arms of Jesus without ever looking back. She stood and worshipped God with that song that morning, and got to see His very face that night. Yes, she wanted so badly to see her baby boy and learn what on earth a boy would look like after 2 girls. Here is Curran...long and lean like Brie, reddish hair, like Eric...perfect!
Yes, she wanted to be with her girls as they grew into adults and see the fruits of all her prayers for them. Yes, she wanted to see everyone around her experience the freedom only Christ can give. Yes, she did. But she would have chosen no other outcome in that car that night. Brie spent her life giving of herself for everyone else, and she did that for her family. Gave herself up so others might know the Jesus she serves. Yes, that is present tense. Brie is still serving her God, dancing free, and basking in the glory of the One and Only of Heaven. He told her well done!

Well done, my sweet sister friend.

We will do all we can to serve as she did. We will love her babies as they were our own, and we will remain on our knees for her family all the days of our life.

My heart will sing no other name, Jesus, Jesus.

Jesus!

This is now my favorite picture of Brie. She was at her bff's house running around with her son on her back. Look at her face! Total abandonment and joy. I love seeing her like that. Love it. I will miss you forever, friend.