Never Enough

When I helped with Brie's book, I was immersed in her words for weeks. We had to edit her posts, choose which posts would fit best, edit again, dig for verses to go with the posts, and create questions for people to search their own heart and journal with. For awhile I felt as if I knew her blog word for word. After that we all had to take a mental break. Pushing through for a deadline caused us to detach a bit. We needed to grieve our friend. I have shared about the book in MOPS group, I have sold the book and advertised it, I have had many discussions with ladies impacted by Brie's words, but I still could not use the book myself. Recently the circumstances in our home with loss of savings and house and job and sanity, along with Makenna's acting out, have made me long to talk to Brie even more. Brie was Makenna's first play therapist. Brie used Makenna as her "experiment" when she was getting ready to do play therapy if needed in a working environment. Brie understood her completely. Brie understood our history with Tyson's panic and anxiety. Brie understood me. So many are so great and say they are praying and I am forever grateful. Yet no one really gets it. A very small handful know what it is like to live in the situation we did for so long. Even fewer get how it is to still never really truly know if something will happen again, or if your child will be lost to you someday because of these issues. Brie got it, all of it. Beyond that she loved me and my kids and my family. She prayed for us. She listened at 2 in the morning, just as I would listen to her. We went to the pit together, oftentimes believing we would never, ever get out. We cried and prayed and shared and laughed and encouraged and supported each other. One of our last texts were about boob sag and 3rd pregnancies and being in our 30s...her barely...and the differences it brought. We were sharing and encouraging and laughing with each other. I told Eric the other day that I longed for heaven to have texting, too. He said, "Tell me about it!" I just need her advice and counsel, though I know God is my ultimate counsel and Advisor. She was my friend here, and I've been missing her so much lately. I decided that I do have so much of her advice in emails and in her book, so I am using it for what it was designed for. Today as I was reading and journaling through a passage in the book, I started flipping and turning pages. I was searching and longing for more of her sweet words. I was looking for her in the book. I turned to the end and realized this was it. There are no other words from her. One day we will all run out of new things to read that she wrote. I believe God uses His words through her that are new every morning, and we can always be encouraged in them the rest of our days. But looking at the last page I felt such a void. This will never be enough. That is why heaven and Jesus wait for us. He knows this world will never be enough, and death makes us realize that in a new way. We keep searching and learning and growing and living here the life he has for us, and then, when we see what Brie is seeing and really live as she is now living, then it will be enough. He is enough.